Unscrew The Nut

Or Post-Episode Notes #3

Couple of episodes ago on the Al & Al Podcast, we talked about the difficulty of navigating male friendships. I admitted to having trouble connecting with other men. If you listened to the episode, you can tell I was still untangling the knots, dissecting the possible causes but couldn’t quite nail down any solid conclusions.

Then I saw an interview on Twitter with Jane Fonda and something clicked.

1. “Women’s friendships are very different than men’s friendships.”
   She says that men sit side by side, watching sports or cars or women, whereas women sit facing each other, eye to eye, and they ask for help when they’re in trouble.
   
   The first thing that came to mind was how much male friendships operate on this level of utility or pleasure. It is either based on what one can do for the other or based on an enjoyment of a shared activity, usually in the pursuit of fleeting pleasures or emotions. In both of these friendships, it is a means to an end. The other person is not being valued because of who they are.
   
   Aristotle describes the greatest form of friendship as the friendship of virtue. These are the people you like for themselves, the people whose values you hope will rub off on you so as to inspire you to become a better person.
   
   It occurred to me that it is not that I have trouble connecting with other men, but it is hard to find men who make that cut of ‘virtuous’. Like I said in the podcast, most guys I’ve met only want to talk about stuff – stuff they owned, stuff they’ve seen, stuff they’ve done.
   
   Though I know it may not always be the case and we should be wary of sweeping statements like these, it did make me think about the women friends in my life and how they are generally more open in asking for and offering help, support, and encouragement, as well as talking about matters of the heart.
   
2. Her favourite ex-husband believes you can’t make friends after 60.
   Studies have shown that men generally get lonelier the older they get, and this is not for want of friends to hang out with, but people to whom they can actually air feelings of vulnerability. Masculine norms coupled with the prevalence of homophobia teach men that vulnerability is weakness. Men are not taught to invest deeply in interdependent relationships with other men. And so this fear of judgement can make it hard for those who are struggling to share their challenges.
   
   Jane Fonda’s suggestion and I think everyone should model after is…
   
3. Be intentional with your friendships.
   What she means is that you need to pursue people you want to be friends with.
   
   There is a scene in this Swedish film, Together (2000), where an older guy confesses to purposely unscrewing his newly fixed pipe just so he could get the plumber to come again and they could talk some more. After a couple of shared beverages, he opens up about how lonely he has been feeling and expresses that it is better to eat porridge together than a pork cutlet alone.
   
   It is obvious from the way the plumber shifts in his seat that he is uncomfortable talking about such emotional matters. But as the viewer has been shown, the plumber himself is also struggling with loneliness and despair, after his wife’s departure due to his addiction with alcohol and the physical abuse that followed it.
   
   Eventually though, the plumber comes around and opens up about how much he misses his family. And the older guy ends up encouraging him to make amends and see his wife to ask for her forgiveness.
   
   This entire exchange is a powerful demonstration of what healthy male friendships can achieve.
   
   Mostly I related to the older guy who messed with his plumbing on purpose just so he could make a friend. This is not to say that all of us should start breaking things at home to make friends, but sometimes we do need to put in the effort if we want quality friendships. Friendships that don’t only make you a less lonely person, but that challenge you to be better.
   
   I myself have done several versions of this – I once joined a gym to make friends with a guy I thought had a great sense of humour and who I knew I would get along with. Then there was another time when a colleague with whom I’d never worked before asked if anyone from the company would join him in attending an exhibition abroad. I was always impressed with his work and he seemed like a sound guy so I said yes.
   
   These friendships are still solid and flourishing after all these years. I have learned from them how to be kinder, warmer, adaptable, and more confident. And they in turn have found our conversations to be liberating and free from judgement.

It is a cycle. And in hindsight, I believe it was growing up with community, places like the church, where I met people who were great models of vulnerability that encouraged me to open up. It has been 10 years since I left, but the values have stayed with me.

Outside the church, it is trickier to emotionally connect with men, especially men who were only taught to model stoic behaviours and knew no other modes of expressing themselves. But like Jane Fonda, I am optimistic that if I continue to say or show my intentions of wanting to be their friend, they will stick around.