mostly earnest

Year: 2023

  • Masumi

    For two hours, we’re in Japan. 

    An upscale izakaya, our greatest find yet in this food desert. Small menu, extensive sake selection. That’s how you know it’s good. Specials board changes every month. I had their berry chocolate ganache once and inhaled it in seconds. 

    —

    Through the side door, a Japanese woman adorned in the intricate folds of a kimono glides into the restaurant, capturing the immediate attention of fellow patrons. With a polite request for a table for one, the Japanese server gestures towards a counter table.

    She takes a seat with a posture that echoes discipline and grace and surprises the air with an order of Asahi beer in English. The Japanese server nods in understanding and promptly reaches for a menu, accompanied by an introduction to the Specials board also in English.

    After a brief survey of the room, she returns her attention to the menu. A subtle smile plays on her features as she reaches a decision. In the midst of her contemplation, a Serbian server, stationed behind the counter, asks if she is ready to order.

    She admits the overwhelming choices before her. With a thoughtful suggestion, he recommends starting with the agedashi tofu. Grateful for the guidance, she agrees, and he vanishes into the kitchen. 

    Meanwhile, the Japanese server uncorks an Asahi beer bottle, pouring its golden contents into a waiting glass. He places it before her on the counter and tells her to enjoy. She indulges in a sip, a subtle nod of satisfaction punctuating the moment. Lowering her glass, her gaze catches the Japanese server.

    “Are you Japanese?”

    “Yes, are you Japanese?”

    “Yes, yes, I am also Japanese.”

    “Ahh, Konichiwa!”

    “Konichiwa!”

    Pleased with the discovery, she starts to chat with him in indistinguishable Japanese. As the conversation ebbs into a momentary silence, she leans back, hands placed neatly on her lap, patiently awaiting the promise of a warm culinary delight. 

  • Couch to 5k

    I have always thought that running was inherently uncomfortable and that anyone who chose to do it had a high threshold for pain.

    In the past, I would be so sore after a run, I needed a week to recover. By the time I was ready to head out again, my enthusiasm had waned just from anticipating the pain.

    My relationship with running continued to fluctuate. I replaced running with hiking and was regularly at it until I left for Europe. The logistics of looking for housing along with acclimatising to my new life put an end to any form of physical activity.

    When I finally settled in Malta and had some semblance of normalcy, I was mainly hiding indoors doing calisthenics. Summer was brutal and although the longer days were a nice welcome from dreary Ireland, the heat was relentless. Coupled with the humidity, I didn’t feel like moving an iota of muscle.

    By the time September rolled around, the temperatures became a lot more tolerable. I was ready to come out of hibernation. I decided then that completing a 5k would be my winter project. With encouragement from a friend who was a veteran runner, I signed up for a race with 20 days to train.

    This time I was going to do things differently. I consulted the same friend for some advice and she recommended I use a couch-to-5k app. After a bit of research, I went with Nike Run Club.

    On the second day of September, I went for what would be my first run in 2 years.

    That run took me 20 minutes and only as far as 2 kilometres. That run was also deliberately slower than I have ever ran since lockdown but it was also the first time I finished a run feeling like I could go for another run.

    Game-changer.

    With the guided runs on the app, I discovered the right way of running. Up until then, I hadn’t considered form, posture, breath, or pacing. It was a whole new world.

    But of these elements, pacing had the biggest affect on me. It is everything. Pacing is what will make or break a run. Set off too fast and the run can quickly turn into a slog. As I have learned, slow runs, runs that allow you to talk without struggle is what motivates a runner (at least in the beginning) to keep showing up at the starting line.

    Diligently following the beginner guides, I often found myself finishing a run excited for the next one. I wasn’t sore to the point of being unable to move the next day and whatever knee-pain I had was also quickly rectified with a quick search on YouTube about form adjustment.

    It’s been two months now since I first started running and in that time, I have completed three 5k(s), two of which were races. My current personal record stands at 34 minutes.

    It was a misconception on my part to think that running is innate and that it was something people got better at the more they did it. And if they didn’t – as in my case – then it was just a matter of incompatibility. I forget we inhabit a world rich in knowledge and tapping into them can make all the difference.

  • The First Half Of 2023

    These events occurred between January and June 2023 and are not in chronological order. The reflections shared here are adapted from my journal.

    1. After two rounds of interviews, I got accepted for an internship. I enjoyed the work but the pay was pitiful. Guess it’s better than a non-paying internship or at least that’s what I told myself to feel better about my labour.

    2. I was admitted into hospital for ten days with vestibular neuritis. That was a scary time in my life. At the risk of sounding dramatic, I really thought I was going to die. But when you lose your ability to walk and can no longer control the movements in your eye (I didn’t even know that was possible) it truly feels like your time might be up.

    3. The experience of being in a hospital in Malta couldn’t have gone more smoothly. Barring the food of course but then again when have hospitals been known for their culinary flair? I spent a lot of time observing the Maltese people, how they communicated and interacted with one another. Along the way, I managed to pick up a few words/phrases that came in handy for extracting a laugh from the nurses.

    4. To our relief, my ten-day stay in the hospital, along with an MRI scan, came at absolutely no cost courtesy of the Maltese government and my being married to my wonderful EU passport-wielding wife. Never thought a marriage certificate would serve to be the second-most important document in our possession.

    5. My first trip to Geneva, Switzerland was quite an adventure. I flew there solo and navigated buses myself to meet Nine. Travelled with my walking stick and it allowed me to bypass the long airport queues. I couldn’t help to feel a little conflicted considering I was not as wobbly as just a couple months previously.

    6. Emma, Nine’s friend from Scotland, came to visit and we went to see some old rocks together.

    7. Then, Deens came to visit, and we enjoyed a wonderful week together, reconnecting, laughing, and simply sitting side by side, mindlessly crafting our IG stories and feeds. I had missed her immensely. Her visit couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. I was grappling with overwhelming loneliness after the move, and having someone who knows me, who has witnessed my growth over the years, and who feels like a living piece of home, was exactly what my weary soul needed.

    8. It took another two months before I could wean myself off the walking stick. My vision had mostly returned to normal. The lag or drag I’d felt for months was gradually disappearing.

    9. I lay low at home, waiting for summer to end. I did appreciate the longer daylight hours, but I’m not a fan of the heat. We bought an outdoor fan for our indoor home. It was noisier than I liked it to be but it saved us from turning the AC on all day. I spent my days practising calisthenics, reading, watching films, and hanging out with some new friends we’d made from showing up at migrant meet-ups and other events.

    10. In the last six months, I’ve attended a handful of protests which included a march advocating for refugees.

    11. Couldn’t find a good book shop in Malta but there is an art house cinema so I’m counting my blessings.

  • Anybody

    Dance scenes are my new favourite thing in movies. Saw this one in Return to Seoul and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. There’s an intriguing quality to the way she dances, almost as if she’s preparing herself for a battle. But who or what is she fighting against? Is it herself? The world?

    I know the type. Like Freddie, they often come across as distant, impulsive yet desperately yearning for love, acceptance, and connection. Although when offered, it is often times rejected. In the film, Freddie repeatedly flees whenever someone tries to get close, instead choosing to pursue those who won’t reciprocate or may even be harmful to her well-being. It’s a defence mechanism many of us are familiar with—a belief that we can shield ourselves from pain by building walls or hurting others before they have a chance to hurt us. As the story unfolds, we witness these behavioural patterns playing out and it never ends well.

    What struck me about this scene was how the dance reflected the character’s true essence, motivations, and the emotional turmoil within. From the mechanical movements to the lyrics, “I never needed anybody,” echoing the conflicting voices in her head. She knows on one hand, her yearning for connection, yet it is also difficult to shake off the belief that it’s better to be alone.

    The scene was so entrancing that I didn’t even notice the cuts on the first watch, assuming it was all shot in one take. Also unrelated but worth mentioning, the track used was an original film soundtrack and it is electric.

  • Why Malta?

    When I was still living in Donegal, I paid 50 euros to see a GP hoping he could write me a prescription for some meds I required. I had all the necessary medical documents from home to verify that I needed these life-saving meds but Ireland’s healthcare decided they won’t recognise these documents. I have been on these meds for the past 6 years with no trouble. What I was seeking was continued care which I was glad to pay out of pocket, no cost to the public. But this just wasn’t an option for a migrant in Ireland.

    In order for them to dispense the meds, I’d have to start from the back of the queue in their system which could mean months, possibly years, before I would even be seen by a specialist. That was out of the question. I do not want and cannot live without these meds.

    I appealed to the GP and he told me he would “study” my case to see if he could help me skip the queue. That was 4 months ago and I still haven’t heard back.

    __
    A question I get a lot now that I’ve left Ireland is “Why Malta?”

    Just a few months ago, I would not have thought about this place. What even is a Malta? My knowledge of this country stretches only as far as their Eurovision entries and that too is recent. In 2021, I was pleasantly surprised by Destiny and her song Je Me Casse, which she performed with great energy and powerful conviction.

    I hadn’t thought of Malta since but when we were trying to figure out where in Europe had housing and access to the kind of healthcare I needed, Malta emerged and was apparently positive on these fronts plus they spoke English. I was so hard done by Ireland, I could not help but feel sceptical about my prospects. If a progressive country like Ireland could not resolve my medical needs then there was no hope elsewhere, let alone Malta – a Mediterranean island nation that you had to pinch zoom a few times to find on a map.

    Our options were limited and we were running out of time. My next dose would be in a few months and we didn’t want to risk waiting any longer for housing or meds to become available. At this point – three months into our time in Ireland – we’d only had one viewing and it was for a tiny one-bedroom flat, two and a half hours away from Dublin. We had immediately agreed to it but then were ghosted by the landlady.

    We thought Malta couldn’t possibly be worse than Ireland so after double-checking with various local grassroots organisations, we bought our tickets and jumped on a plane. Within a week, we secured housing at a central location with fantastic local and Asian food stores, bars and walking distance to the sea.

    The true test arrived when a local friend invited me to go with him to see his family’s GP to ask for the prescription I needed. Again, I had very low expectations. I was prepared to receive some feigned sympathies from the doctor and then be sent on my way with no outcome other than a ludicrously exorbitant bill.

    Instead, she pulled out her prescription pad and started scribbling before I could even finish appealing my case. She took a quick glance at the letters and documents from home and told me not to worry. For the first time, I actually believed it was going to be okay. And all of this for 20 euros that I didn’t even have to pay for because my friend was going to claim it from his insurance. Amazing.

    __
    So, why Malta?

    Because in Malta, doctors take a more collaborative approach with their patients. They trust their patients, especially ones that are already looking for continued care. They don’t discriminate, not against me and not against where my medical docs are from.

    Ireland’s healthcare bureaucracy is not reflective of the people’s values. Despite how strongly I feel about Ireland, her people and how much I loved living just over the border from Derry, it was not reciprocated. I can’t stay in a place that ignores my pleas and would rather see me suffer than provide a simple piece of paper to say I deserve to live.

    The Irish are by far some of the loveliest people I’ve met outside of home, it’s a damn shame that I couldn’t call it my own. Malta may be a second choice but here I have a shot at a dignified life.

  • 10 Things #3

    At the end of every month, I make a list of the most notable things I enjoyed, consumed, or experienced.

    This is 10 things from January 2023. 

    1. New Home. It’s been a month since we moved into the new digs and we love it. After being on the road for what feels interminable, desperately dependant on the kindness of people to keep us sheltered, we’re just thrilled to finally be nesting. We can’t believe we live in Malta now!

    2. Picnic With New Friends. Short hike around Manoel Island before we settled on a spot. In hindsight maybe not the best place to bring food out, birds were brazen and relentless. Across we saw Valletta and I was told people swam the length of where we were on these steps to the walled city in the summer. Maybe someday.

    3. Chinese New Year. First celebration away from home and family. On Chor Yat, we normally have hotpot together so in the spirit of tradition, I went to the nearest Asian food store I could find and bought all the necessary ingredients. Then we ate together via FaceTime. Me for lunch and them for dinner. Thank god we were only 7 hours apart.

    4. Cooking. New home means kitchen to ourselves. I have been making two meals a day for us since we moved in. But more importantly, I have acquired the skills for cooking rice over stove. The method is 1 cup to 1.5 cups of water on high heat. Wait until the water boils then cover with lid and set to the lowest heat. Cook for 12 minutes. After that, fluff the rice, put the lid back on and leave it for a few more minutes away from the stove. Tastes just like restaurant rice.

    5. Baking. New home also comes with an oven so I’ve been making tasty treats. Haven’t got any baking equipment yet so nothing too complicated at the moment. But even with just an oven you can do lots of things like this Apple Crumble from Jamie Oliver.

    6. What does it mean to know for sure? My friend, Al wrote this piece about what it means to know your partner’s favourite restaurant except it’s so much more than that. It’s also the best thing I’ve read this month.

    7. Shinunoga E-wa. This cover by Belle Sisoski is 10x better than the original (sorry Fujiikaze). Can’t believe she’s only 17 and already an amazing and wildly talented producer and multi-instrumentalist. Excited to see what she’ll do next.

    8. 25 Best Films Of The Year Video Countdown. I don’t always agree with David but he does a terrific job with the edits every time. Tears welled up the size of balloons watching 2019 cause movies are fucking great.

    9. Daily Hamstring Flexibility Routine. My fitness goal for 2023 is to be able to touch my toes without bending my knees. I’ve tried many stretch-with-me videos but this routine is the one I return to the most. My body will always be slightly achey the next day but I’ve been feeling stronger and standing taller.

    10. Hit The Road. Fully enjoyed this — the tenderness, the despair, the humour, the meandering dialogue, the landscape, the music, and that little devil of a kid who stole the show. What an endearing story. Masterful in shifting and layering emotions. Seen this twice in the span of a week and already can’t wait to watch it again.

  • Unscrew The Nut

    Or Post-Episode Notes #3

    Couple of episodes ago on the Al & Al Podcast, we talked about the difficulty of navigating male friendships. I admitted to having trouble connecting with other men. If you listened to the episode, you can tell I was still untangling the knots, dissecting the possible causes but couldn’t quite nail down any solid conclusions.

    Then I saw an interview on Twitter with Jane Fonda and something clicked.

    1. “Women’s friendships are very different than men’s friendships.”
      She says that men sit side by side, watching sports or cars or women, whereas women sit facing each other, eye to eye, and they ask for help when they’re in trouble.

      The first thing that came to mind was how much male friendships operate on this level of utility or pleasure. It is either based on what one can do for the other or based on an enjoyment of a shared activity, usually in the pursuit of fleeting pleasures or emotions. In both of these friendships, it is a means to an end. The other person is not being valued because of who they are.

      Aristotle describes the greatest form of friendship as the friendship of virtue. These are the people you like for themselves, the people whose values you hope will rub off on you so as to inspire you to become a better person.

      It occurred to me that it is not that I have trouble connecting with other men, but it is hard to find men who make that cut of ‘virtuous’. Like I said in the podcast, most guys I’ve met only want to talk about stuff – stuff they owned, stuff they’ve seen, stuff they’ve done.

      Though I know it may not always be the case and we should be wary of sweeping statements like these, it did make me think about the women friends in my life and how they are generally more open in asking for and offering help, support, and encouragement, as well as talking about matters of the heart.
    2. Her favourite ex-husband believes you can’t make friends after 60.
      Studies have shown that men generally get lonelier the older they get, and this is not for want of friends to hang out with, but people to whom they can actually air feelings of vulnerability. Masculine norms coupled with the prevalence of homophobia teach men that vulnerability is weakness. Men are not taught to invest deeply in interdependent relationships with other men. And so this fear of judgement can make it hard for those who are struggling to share their challenges.

      Jane Fonda’s suggestion and I think everyone should model after is…
    3. Be intentional with your friendships.
      What she means is that you need to pursue people you want to be friends with.

      There is a scene in this Swedish film, Together (2000), where an older guy confesses to purposely unscrewing his newly fixed pipe just so he could get the plumber to come again and they could talk some more. After a couple of shared beverages, he opens up about how lonely he has been feeling and expresses that it is better to eat porridge together than a pork cutlet alone.

      It is obvious from the way the plumber shifts in his seat that he is uncomfortable talking about such emotional matters. But as the viewer has been shown, the plumber himself is also struggling with loneliness and despair, after his wife’s departure due to his addiction with alcohol and the physical abuse that followed it.

      Eventually though, the plumber comes around and opens up about how much he misses his family. And the older guy ends up encouraging him to make amends and see his wife to ask for her forgiveness.

      This entire exchange is a powerful demonstration of what healthy male friendships can achieve.

      Mostly I related to the older guy who messed with his plumbing on purpose just so he could make a friend. This is not to say that all of us should start breaking things at home to make friends, but sometimes we do need to put in the effort if we want quality friendships. Friendships that don’t only make you a less lonely person, but that challenge you to be better.

      I myself have done several versions of this – I once joined a gym to make friends with a guy I thought had a great sense of humour and who I knew I would get along with. Then there was another time when a colleague with whom I’d never worked before asked if anyone from the company would join him in attending an exhibition abroad. I was always impressed with his work and he seemed like a sound guy so I said yes.

      These friendships are still solid and flourishing after all these years. I have learned from them how to be kinder, warmer, adaptable, and more confident. And they in turn have found our conversations to be liberating and free from judgement.

    It is a cycle. And in hindsight, I believe it was growing up with community, places like the church, where I met people who were great models of vulnerability that encouraged me to open up. It has been 10 years since I left, but the values have stayed with me.

    Outside the church, it is trickier to emotionally connect with men, especially men who were only taught to model stoic behaviours and knew no other modes of expressing themselves. But like Jane Fonda, I am optimistic that if I continue to say or show my intentions of wanting to be their friend, they will stick around.

  • 10 Things #2

    December 2022:

    1. Tiny Desk: Stromae. An electrifying performance. More impressive is the fact that they had to recreate the music so that it could be played live. Expected nothing less than amazing from one of my favourite electronic artists of all time.
    2. Gross Bixi Pale Ale. My first try of craft beer from San Sebastian. Excellent for easy drinking days. Light and refreshing. Discovered at Pole Pole, Msida Malta.
    3. Derek Walcott’s Love After Love. A good poem to turn to after the end of a relationship, focusing on loving the self and becoming whole again.
    4. The White Lotus. Cringe comedy. Most of the mischief takes place in a resort. Interesting characters, well-written and layered. Season 2 the superior season.
    5. The scoglio pasta from Marrobbio Pizzeria Trattoria, Sliema Malta. Demolished within minutes. Plate polished clean, not a single drop of sauce left.
    6. Hainbach. Watched his gig in an actual fort in Malta. Maybe it was the combination of alcohol and lights dimming on and off but it’s the closest thing I’ve experienced to being hypnotised.
    7. Solo Vinyl Book Shop, Msida Malta. Possibly the only independent book and record store in all of Malta. Fast becoming one of our favourite places to visit. The owner was also very friendly and helpful.
    8. Border Hacker by Levi Vonk. I’ve talked about this book ad nauseam but I am still feeling its profound effects. One of those books I will look back on to say it was responsible for broadening my understanding of America’s ruthless immigration policies. Forever no nations no borders no gods no masters.
    9. Maori, Valletta Malta. Tucked under the fort of St Elmo overlooking the sea. Danced to music from the mid to late 90s surrounded by artists, queers, rebels, and punks. Had our best night here the first time we came to Malta.
    10. This Miley Cyrus & Dolly Parton medley from Miley’s New Year Eve’s Special. The transition from Wrecking Ball to I Will Always Love You is certainly going to send chills down the spine.