Leaving MY

The question I get asked a lot lately is how do I feel about leaving Malaysia. The problem with the question is that it assumes I have an equal choice in the matter.

In the day to day, the reasons for leaving are not obvious. We are a dual-income household living in a bougie part of town, we can afford food deliveries, buy nice things and go on holidays. We have good jobs and derive great fulfilment from the work we do. We have a tight group of friends — people we really enjoy spending time with — and also a strong sense of community. We are considered by all accounts, quite comfortable.

Yet what people don’t see is the heightened anxiety of continuously living in a country that is run by a fascist, bigoted, police-state government. The fear that I am only one police roadblock away from harassment. The fear that the medical privilege I depend on to survive would suddenly be clamped down. The fear that at any moment we could be separated because her freedom of movement is tied to her employment. The fear that we will be denied ‘next of kin’ privileges because our union is unrecognised. The fear that any liberties we might enjoy now is short-lived and highly dependant on who is in power.

If there is any chance for us to live a more dignified life not dictated by the whims and fancies of people in uniform, should we not take it? If it means I get to live my truth and have the state recognise my existence and our love, shouldn’t we go? Can I really say I don’t want to leave if my survival, our happiness, and our lives depended on it?

The truth is I want to leave but I wish I didn’t have to.